In the beginning

I am writing this as a way to fill my time, with only 9 sleeps to go until our approval panel. My mind can focus on little else and it’s driving me mad! Also, reading other people’s blogs since starting this journey myself has been useful and reassuring to me. Hopefully I can do the same to someone else.

So how have we reached this point? Here goes……..

Me and Mr Bob met almost 10 years ago, and embarked on our wonderful adventure with passion, laughter, arguments, and tears galore. We moved in together quickly, on our 6 month anniversary and it was as difficult as much as it was wonderful. Mr B hadn’t quite discovered his work ethic at that point and stress about money was high. But the good far outweighed the bad, and 1 year and 9 months after having met – I proposed to him on the leap year.

We couldn’t make up our minds where or how we wanted our wedding to be – but after much deliberation we tied the knot on a sunny Greek island in the presence of 80 of our wonderful friends and family. We had the most incredible week of sunshine and celebrations. And so our blessed life continued.

We were happy in our bubble and whilst we recognised our desire to be parents one day, we weren’t quite ready……..still not ready……….not quite…………a bit longer……….right, I think we are now! So at the beginning of 2013 we began trying to start our family in earnest. We watched friends have babies; get pregnant; have more babies; get pregnant again. It was a never ending. Facebook was page after page of scan pictures and announcements – and there we were; our happy faces looking more and more forced. Our ‘congratulations’ sounding less and less sincere. Another announcement by close friends on the eve of 2015 found me barely able to muster a congratulations at all.

Now, there will be those amongst you reading this thinking ‘but that’s hardly any time at all’; ‘we have been trying to conceive for 10 years – 2 years is nothing’. For those of you to whom that relates – I salute you, I really do. I personally, do not have the strength to have continued on that journey for much longer. I felt like an utter failure, and I hated the way that I was resenting the people closest to me because of their happiness. Mine and Mr B’s desire has always been, to be as happy as we can be; and at this stage neither of us were happy. Something had to change.

Adoption had always kind of been an option for us. We always said that if we couldn’t have children naturally we could always adopt. But it was said with the thought that we wouldn’t have to worry about it…….do you know what I mean? That whilst we were more than open to  it, it wouldn’t matter, because this time next year we would have a gorgeous little baby. Anyway, 18 months of ovulation sticks; temperature taking; scheduled intercourse – off I went to the doctors to discuss what would happen next. I had blood tests to check that I was actually ovulating, and to check my egg store or something like that. I was given the all clear for various ailments (including syphilis!) and Mr B was chuffed to be told that his swimmers were perfectly healthy. We were for the time being put in the category of ‘unexplained infertility’ with more tests to follow. I was given leaflets about tests that would be carried out to check my tubes; and I was butchered once again by a nurse taking yet more blood. I hated the thought of being poked and prodded – it just didn’t sit right with me, and so I was becoming more and more miserable, and more and more obsessed with monitoring every little cycle sign.

A month before my 30th birthday, Mr Bob and I went out for a night on the town. We were going to test out a few cocktail bars for my birthday party and, as usual, the conversation turned to our ‘struggle’. I admitted that I was utterly fed up and miserable and tired of being able to think of little else. Then, my wonderful, gorgeous husband quite simply said: ‘well, let’s just stop then’. ‘What do you mean, let’s stop? I thought we wanted to have kids?’ ‘Yeah, we do, but we can always adopt them….we’ve spoken about this before’. And then it felt like the sun had come out. The weight that had been getting heavier and heavier on my shoulders lifted; and for the first time in a long old while I felt excited and happy again.

We discussed it on and off over the course of the evening and then put it to bed, saying that we would address it again in the morning. By that point, the cocktails were flowing and we were feeling very happy and very much in love (plus a little drunk!).

The following morning; hangovers dulled with hot bacon bagels we cuddled up on the sofa and opened up the laptop. ‘How to adopt a child’ we searched for. And so it began…………..

3 weeks later we had a meeting with the first of 3 adoption agencies, and 5 weeks after that we submitted our formal application to our chosen one. There followed 6 months of paperwork; questions; training days; information evenings; more paperwork, and then moving house; to bring us here – 9 sleeps to go until our approval panel, and hopefully the start of our next round of hurdles.

I am excited, and terrified, and so incredibly thankful for Mr Bob and his strength. I knew that I had found a special man the day after I met him and there is no one else that I would want to be going through this adventure with.

So please – if you are reading this as a seasoned adopter who has stumbled across me, or someone who is thinking on embarking on this journey yourself – please keep your fingers crossed for me and Mr Bob, and I look forward to sharing every stage of our little adventure with whoever wants to join me!